The Celebrity Men That Moms Love (feat. Chris Distefano)

The Celebrity Men That Moms Love (feat. Chris Distefano)

Marcus Silva says, “Check out Oscar nominee Sam
Elliott back in his Gary days.” Dude, let me tell you
how quickly I would have been staying
at Scott Thompson’s house if Sam Elliott wanted
to take my mom anywhere. I wouldn’t even known. She would’ve picked me up
at school. She would’ve picked me up
from Heartwood Athletic Club where I went to after school
and she would’ve been like, “Here’s a backpack. You got
underwear, your toothbrush. You’re staying at Scott’s
for the week.” He’s the ultimate guy
that’s gonna bang your mom. My mom, is,
I’m not lying to you, going with me and Christine
to see Cher in Philadelphia because we had the conversation
about seeing the musical, and I said, “They didn’t even
mention the movie Mask,” and my mom goes, “Oh, Mask,
that’s the best. Sam Elliott.” Do you think your mom
would lose it if I was like, “Hey hey.” I told her you’d do it. But if I called her
and pretended to be… and I go, “Hey, is this Terry.
This is Sam Elliott.” Let me get disappointed by both
my parents on the phone today. I go, “I was just
wondering if… What are you doing right now? Why don’t you put on those jeans
down to your ankles.” Dude, my mom is such a devout
Catholic woman. Doesn’t even utter a curse, but if you put a picture of
Tom Selleck up she’ll be like, “I will suck his fucking cock,”
she’ll lose it. She’ll totally lose it. Dude, Tom Selleck, come on.
That might be the trifecta. Tell me Terry’s not into Tom. I know for a fact
Trish would run through like a wet paper towel
to get to Tom Selleck. I could be dying of food
poisoning or choking and if Tom Selleck was like, “Why don’t you come out
to my car and throw me a heej or a beej?” And my mom would be like,
“Dan, you had a good life.” He stayed handsome, too. Tom Selleck stays warm. My mom just flicks
her bean to ‘Blue Bloods’. You know what ‘Blue Bloods’ is? And you get an older mature
Don Wahlberg. But Tom Selleck on ‘Blue Bloods ‘is the Cinemax
for mom’s past menopause. When women go past menopause
they watch ‘Blue Bloods’ the way young teenage
boys used to watch Cinemax. Oh God, I hope
there’s some stability. You know if Tom Selleck
does a really stable man thing. Oh my God, I imagine my mom sitting down in her
cloud pajamas with her Dachshund, Larry, just getting hot
flashes watching Blue Bloods. Oh my God, I imagine Trish
having to get up for a refill of a martini
in between a commercial break. Moving Riley and Oreo. Guys, guys, move.
I need to get a refill. And she stirs
with the middle finger. And she can’t take her eyes
off the screen. She just goes, “Still looks good
after all these years.” Oh, that ‘stache.
It really does. That thing velcros
right into a mom bush. If I was a punk band,
I would name an album, “Your Mom Wants to
Fuck Tom Selleck”. It’s just him showing up
at any of our mom’s house. “How you doing?
MY car broke down. Tom Selleck. Do you mind if I use the phone””
She’s like, “Oh.” Dude, my mom has been
vocal about wanting to have sex
with Samuel L. Jackson. She loves Samuel L. Jackson. That dude is ashy I bet. For years, she’s always
liked Samuel L. Jackson. Oh man, I wonder how many moms
throw it at Samuel L. Oh, you know who’s another one
that moms want to fucking… my mom wants
to absolutely bang out? Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell! Good one! Are you talking ‘Tango
and Cash’ Kurt Russell? I mean, all of it.
You watch now and go backwards. Yeah. She wants to fuck
Kurt Russell. ‘Big Trouble Little China’. There’s no… 844-COMEDY9.
No one’s called in to say who they think would
fuck their mom yet. Well, Rod Brooks, our buddy
that you met in San Francisco, you did his radio show.
You did Rod’s… he texted me and he said,
“My moms would’ve thrown me in a river to fuck
Teddy Pendergrass.” That’s the black mom Selleck. His life ended in a wheelchair so she could’ve got him
by the end. Oh yeah, she could’ve
just ran him down. Or just stood in front of him. If she threw you in the river
for that Rod, she just wanted to throw you
in the river. She goes,
“But, I get an excuse.” Look at teddy Pendergrass.
Yeah. But it wasn’t about, you know,
his looks, it was the voice. That was one soulful. Is your mom home?
No Teddy, my mom’s not home now. Hey what’s up Jay.
Take Terry around. Can you make me a plate
to bring home after I bust off in your momma. You’ve been working all hard
and Aetna, your son’s playing video games. Turn the TV up or you’re gonna
hear your mom getting fucked hard. Let’s do it in the shower
so the kid can’t hear. What’s that? I’m wondering
who else is on the list: Bichette, Pendergrass,
Russell, Selleck. Selleck’s number one. Yeah, Selleck’s number one. My mom has been vocal about,
and my Aunt Ilene, they’ve always wanted to have
a threesome with Michael Bolton. He’s another big one.
But again, Selleck is one. I’ll tell you, one that won
for my mom, 70s, 80s, 90s and now: Kenny Loggins. Buddy, I saw a billboard
for Kenny Loggins right now. No dude, he did it.
He went cat-face. Look at Kenny Loggins now.There’s
the picture actually. Oh, Kenny! Come on, Ken. It’s odd-looking. Why? He looks like a trans man. You know what he would say if he
heard us talking like this? What? I’m alright.
Don’t nobody worry about me. Kenny. The surgery went through. We grafted you perfectly
with a Siamese cat. Dean from Maryland says,
“Usher”. Dean, how old is your mom? That’s a young mom.
Garth Brooks. Garth Brooks! How did I forget
about Garth Brooks. My mom would’ve
torn those jeans off like tearaway pants in the NBA. Trisha
was lucky. My mom wanted to fuck
Garth Brooks something awful. The guy wears jeans
weirdly on his belly. Cool. You’re talking about
a Colorado mom, dude. Garth Brooks would get hit
in the face with a pair
of yellow cotton panties. Dude, I’ll tell you this, Trish would’ve flung some
fucking legs at James Taylor. Yeah, she absolutely… My mom would definitely get
a pedicure for Garth Brooks. Garth
Brooks would’ve just… he could’ve came in and ate
all the cupboards bare and fucked my mom and left
and she wouldn’t have cared. Loved GB. Garth Brooks. And James Taylor. My mom was
a big James Taylor guy. Soulful lady. So weird. Garth Brooks is beyond big. Kenny Loggins. Who else
did my mom want to… that I remember he being like,
“Oh, yeah.” Michael Bolton. Jay in Atlanta says,
“Michael Keaton.” All right! But that’s not for anything
with the look I don’t think. I don’t know.
That’s timely. Jason in Texas says,
“Woody Harrelson.” Woody. I would love if my mom… That would make me
like my mom more if she wanted to fuck Woody. 90s Val Kilmer. Not before
bloated in a river Val Kilmer. ‘Tombstone’. No, yeah, ‘Tombstone’
Val Kilmer. ‘Doors’ Val Kilmer. Yes! My mom was into Val Kilmer. Not wears fucking t-shirt
in a wading pool Val Kilmer. He’s been dead for a week
Val Kilmer. Eli in Dallas says, this is
an interesting one to me, “Mark McGwire.”
Eli, your mom particularly… That seems like
a very specific one. The baseball player? Dude, 98 he’s
a fucking big ging. Yeah, he’s a big ging. Big ging. So that means Eli’s mom
is into Gingers. I can’t answer the phone … baseball players,
it may have been specifically Yankees but my mom would be open
about wondering how hot and how long
Paul O’Neill’s legs were. Oh, Paul O’Neill. She was like, “He’s got such
long legs, Paul O’Neill.” Your mom used to call guys out
for having legs for day? Look at the stems
on that pitcher. She was like,
I’ll tell you this, I’ll bury my face
between those yams. Nothing like your dad’s stubby
fucking legs. Not like your father’s
line legs. What? Eli, you there? Yeah, Mark McGwire’s…
that’s a fetish almost. The red-headed She wanted to be tossed around
by a fucking Viking. Yeah, by a Scottish
Viking warrior. Oh, this is a goody.
Matt in Missouri says, “Mother would drown him
in a tub for a shot with the Doctor himself:
Don Johnson.” Don Johnson! Yeah, dude, great one!
Well, you forget dude, Don Johnson
was getting moms wet. Wet. Don Dick. Yeah, Don Johnson’s fucking hot. He’s still handsome! It’d be funny if your mom
was more, “I’m a Tubs lady”. Oh, if you’re mom likes
Philip Michael Thomas. You’re like, “Mom, you gotta swing for
the fucking fence in here”. That’s the kid that grew up
sleeping on the couch in the living room.
If your mom liked Tubs. I mean if your mom- Well worse if she liked
Edward James Olmos. That would’ve been
the worst captain. If she’s a little bit older. I mean, if we’re talking about
if your mom had you late in life and she’s in her 70’s,
we’re talking Burt Reynolds. Oh my God. My moms 70, and I
think Burt isn’t her style. You gotta remember
Burt Reynolds, you gotta remember
‘Deliverance’ Burt Reynolds when he was in shape and shit. Oh man, ‘Gator’. Although, a lot of people
like not so much in shape but casual, free wheeling, ‘Smokey the Bandit’
Burt Reynolds. That’s a fun Burt. But no one’s mom is really
fucking giving themselves a front wedge over the captain,
or not the captain, what was he, Jack in ‘Boogie Nights’. Tom Selleck is just,
if you’re a white woman- It’s over. If you’re a baby boomer
white woman, I would do… If this was Family Feud
and the question was baby boomer white women
want to fuck Tom Selleck. The answer’s Tom Selleck. It’s like 95. But it’s been a long time since, and we figured this out
when we were talking about ‘The Punisher’,
that all those characters they shave their chests
for the show, that Tom Selleck, one of those big things,
that big furry chest. I think Burt Reynolds also,
that’s not a thing looked upon, if that was there’d
be fucking staples in the middle of a bunch of Joe
Derosa pictures. He’d be centerfold all day. Rosa’s got a fucking
Bon Jovi chest. Young Bon Jovi. Look at that.
Stephanie Falconi said, “After bringing her
to a few shows at her request and seeing her
in that situation, I’m pretty sure my mom would
be down for Big Jay Oakerson”. I’ll give her the biz.
I got her stoned. Stephanie Falconi’s a hot name. Yeah. She’s letting
her mom bang Jay. Pretty sweet lady. Yo, remember when you banged
Stephanie Falconi? Sean Connery! Good job, Ryan!
The ginga ninja. Dude, Sean Connery! I could hear my mom getting wet
watching ‘Last Crusade’. But as he got older-
Dude, that’s what I’m saying. Trish, what is Dan doing? Let’s let Dan go down to
the basement play with his guys. I’ll finger you
in the kitchen. He may top Tom Selleck.
It’s close, it’s like 1A, 1B. It’s Highlander situation
between Connery and Selleck. Yeah, I can’t believe we
forgot about Sean Connery. Oh, Sean Connery. Coming in
and having sex with your mom. Welcome to my cock. Oh dude, look at him,
still getting it. I mean, stone cold fox. He’s still alive, too, right?
Sean Connery? He’s retired from acting.
Took a break. How about Brian Dennehy? He’s like,
“You’re my stepson now, dog”. Oh, yeah, Nichole G, good call:
Springsteen. Yeah, and that’s a musician. Oh, that’s also musician and I’ll tell you
another musician. Do you mind if I ate
all your Cocoa Crisps? I was up last night
fucking Trish. Yes, you guys are
running low on milk. Hey, I just thought of a song. Dan’s still asleep
and they’re out of milk. Should I wake him up or just eat
the rest of his cereal. Bruce Springsteen’s stepson. He goes, “He throws like a fag,
he runs like a queer”. His head’s so big. You need to insulate these walls
when I come and break you off. He cries at scary movies. I don’t want to call him my son
but he insists on it. I’m not saying he’s gay, but I’ve never seen
a boy cry so much. He hates the sight of blood,
he sucks on a bike, I’d give him back if I could. He names his stuffed animals
and he gives them people names. That’s really weird. He gets scared at lightning,
believes in Santa and he’s 11 years old. Mom’s banging in no particular
order: Neil Diamond, check. Lee Majors-
No, not my mom. Pass on Lee Majors. Lee Majors.
My mom might’ve given the six million dollar man,
for sure. I don’t know about yours
I can’t answer for her. Ted Dansen, yes, and let me answer something
that I’m insulted that I didn’t know for my mom,
Mr. Pierce Brosnan. Chris said Pierce Brosnan. I said Pierce Brosnan. I overlapped that.
That’s a big one Paul Newman, of course. Robert Redford,
goes without saying. Paul Newman and Robert Redford
though- And Kevin Costner. And Warren Beatty. That’s why I was saying more
like the singers of the time because Robert Redford
and Paul Newman, both of them, by the time
I would look at them to be like, “Oh, this is what the girls
are all excited about,” they were kind of grizzled,
you know. Robert Redford aged bizarre
when he started to age. He wilted like a ginger
and Paul Newman, he’s just like a fucking drawing
on salad dressing at this point to me. Did your mom ever get remarried? No, but she had two
long-term boyfriends. Did you like ’em? I liked… the one I didn’t like,
my friend’s dad- He was long term? They dated for like five years
then he started dating a woman who lived directly
across the street. So he dumped my mom, I was like seventeen
when they got dumped. And this was in Brooklyn? This was in Brooklyn. Literally,
directly across the street. I’m talking about the house
across the street, He started dating
that woman in there and it broke my mother’s heart.
My mom- What’d you think? Did you talk to your friend
about it? Were you like,
“What the fuck, dude?” Yeah, I mean it was
like everybody… he was just a dick anyway. Nobody was really
friends with him. He was always a dick
so was his dad. So my dad one time
came to pick me up to take me to
a basketball tournament and my mom
was sitting in a chair looking out the window weeping. He was like, “What’s wrong
with your mother?” And I was like,
“Jim broke up with her.” And he’s like, “Well did you
do anything about it?” And I was like, “What? I’m a kid,
I was playing video games.” And he was like,
“I’m gonna go get bagels,” and then he rang the bell
and then all of a sudden I hear my mother, “Stop, Tony,
what are you doing!?” And my dad had him up
against the steps, shaking him, and then my dad came back
and it was a whole thing. The police were called,
but like nothing happened and my dad came back
and he was like, “You can’t have your mother
crying like that. You should’ve taken care
of that yourself.” Wow! That’s what it’s like
having a dad!? That sounds awesome! Yeah, and I was just like,
“I get it,” and then we went to
Staten Island and he was like, “Look, I’m sorry,
I shouldn’t have done that.” There’s always the same story
with my dad. He would do something
he wasn’t supposed to do but it was really just
’cause he loved me and then he would explain to me
on the ride how I should not do
what he just did. He fucking shook-
He shook him. He pushed him around
a little bit. He scared him and he was like, “Look, you can’t date
this lady anymore”. I never saw the guy again.
None of us ever saw him again. I mean, he’s okay but I think
he stopped dating that woman. That’s crazy.
And my mom- What a weird way
to break up with a woman. You go, “A man threatened me.
I got threatened by a man. Yeah, my ex’s ex told me that
if I keep dating you he’s gonna cut my cock off so…
I like my dick.” So that’s what happened.
Oh man. And I was telling you, my dad,
apparently, this was before I was born or maybe my mom
was pregnant with me. They were laying on the grass
in central park, my mom and my dad
and Dan Aykroyd apparently, allegedly came by
in roller blades, or a skate board, and my dad went to go
take a piss behind a tree or something like that. He had stopped
and was hitting on my mom. What? On roller skates. Did he have
the rubber stopper down? My mom said my dad was close
to getting in Aykroyd’s face. How fucking awesome
would that be if I was like, “Yeah, my dad
punched Dan Aykroyd.” Or Dan Aykroyd beat the shit
out of my dad. On roller skates. On roller skates. I mean, if a Ghostbuster
takes out your dad while wearing roller skates,
is your father a ghost? Doctor Detroit?

80 thoughts on “The Celebrity Men That Moms Love (feat. Chris Distefano)

  1. Who else clicked fast asf?!🔥

    Your 2019 is blessed łíké this comment and śùbśćríbé to me to activateeee. reeeee

  2. Big Jay is my celeb crush… Along with a couple metal dudes… got the vapors my mom loved Rod Stewart…

  3. My mom wanted to bang Chris Cornell so bad she had like a full on mental breakdown when he died. So bad in fact when ppl bring up his death I just say, "hey man I'd rather not talk about it, he was my dad."

  4. I'm so glad I don't know the famous dudes my ma wants to take to pound town.
    This is the funniest fucking podcast ever!

  5. My mom loved Travis Tritt, Billy Ray Cyrus, Kevin Nash, Jake the Snake Roberts, Barry Watson (the oldest brother from 7th Heaven), Jason Priestley, John Travolta, and Matthew Fox (Charlie from Party of Five).. So basically.. She was white-trash as fuck.

  6. Tom fn selleck was in my moms 80s pics collage or wtf tht thing was with all the seperate picture holes… she told me Tom was my dad flippantly…. I think she was under the impression i was smarter than that…

    I kiiiiiiind of felt like she was joking but I wasn't really sure till I was like 13.. so I just gave the shity picture evil glares every once in awhile. Pissed off that he left me. I still get low-key mad seeing his dumb face.

  7. I'm loving the production value with all the pics. They won't show the copyright videos from the show here on YouTube. I wish they would take stills from the bideos and show them like that.

  8. Under-Appreciated Oakerson Joke (about Tom Selleck): 'That moustache velcroes right into a mom bush' i died confused cuz i couldnt understand why the rest of the room didnt erupt in laughter like myself

  9. I can't believe no one said George Clooney! My mom would've disowned me for one night for him!

  10. My mom and dad started dating because my mom thought my dad looked like Joe Elliot from Def Leppard. They just celebrated their 30th anniversary

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