Don’t Set Little League Baseball Fields on Fire – The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project


– Alright, our first
headline is from Connecticut. Baseball is just
starting up there and the police in Ridgefield,
Connecticut are investigating a fire in which 25
gallons of gasoline were doused onto
a baseball field by someone who thought
that was the best way to dry out the field
after heavy rain. – So it rained before
a little league game, who was it, was it the manager of one of the teams? Was it like the
home team manager? – It’s unclear. – Ah, but somebody
was like “I’ll dry- – Police are investigating. – Someone was like,
“I’ll dry the field “so these kids can play ball.” And then just lit
the infield on fire. Using how many
gallons of gasoline? (laughs) – 50
gallons, and you know with that amount
of firepower there, they lost a little
bit of control of it. – No, I mean (unintelligible stuttering) they’ve used
helicopters in the past to try to dry off a field. Doesn’t really work. Uh, Erica, do we have a video of that little league
game where they try to dry off the
field with gasoline? (screams coming from
video on computer) (laughs) – I mean- – Yeah, I mean, you’d think they would’ve, at what point did they call it? – They did, they canceled the game. There’s no games being played. It could cost up to $50,000. (screaming on
computer continues) (all laughing) I mean it’s another
reminder, don’t- – These kids just
wanna play a game. – Right, it’s another reminder- – And now, they’re
in this situation. – We don’t have these
problems in California. Like our fires are natural
and they’re in the hills. We don’t have to worry about, you know, rain on
a baseball field that you have to
dry out for fires. That’s another reason.
– No. – Like the longer I live here, the more insane it
seems that anyone lives in the Northeast. – I’m just glad that
this was a baseball, you know, this happened
at a baseball game, not a football game, because there’s so
many more players on the football team. Do you know what I mean? If you listen to that clip, you hear 18, 20 kids. You know, having a hard time. Play it again. (screaming from video) (giggling) Yeah, you know what I mean? That’s like, they’re
in the dugout. They’re a little worried. I think most of them got
out with minor injuries. Smoke inhalation will
follow them forever, but I think that if it’d
been football players that it would’ve
been melted helmets and stuff like that. You don’t need that. (screaming plays again) And these kids, you know, I just hope they get a
chance to make up the game. (laughing) And some adults moving forward, find a better way
to dry the field than burning a bunch
of kids to death. – Our last headline’s
from the great country- – This is my favorite
story of the week. – Yeah, I knew it was. (laughing) You know it’s Anthony’s
favorite because it goes last. The great country of Brazil, where a judge this week ordered that a pair of
identical twins both pay child support to a woman who
is seeking paternity results because neither one
of them will admit to being the father. They are identical
twins, and she knows that she slept with one of them. The paternity test for one of
the guys turned up positive, but they made his identical
brother also take a test, and that also came up positive. And now they both have
to pay child support. – And she’s saying
that she doesn’t know which brother she slept with? – How would she know? I mean, they’re identical twins. – I’m sure their
names are different. You know what I mean? I don’t know, uh, I assume there’s
more to the story, that she slept with both guys. That she slept with both
twins at certain points. Maybe one of the
twins was like, “Hey, “I slept with this girl. “Uh… “Now’s your chance.” Do you know what I mean? I don’t know how twins work. – They both deny it. The first guy denied
he was the father even though the
paternity test came back. And so that’s why they made
the identical twin brother do it as well. But there’s even
more to the story. The judge in the
case, who was livid, said it was evident
that the defendants from adolescence took
advantage and continued to take advantage
of the fact that they’re identical twins. It became clear that
they have repeatedly used each other’s name to attract
as many women as possible, and to hide
instances of betrayal in their relationships. So this is like a
long con that they do with lots of women. – If the judge says
that about two people, why weren’t they
killed on the spot? (chuckling) Like if they’re that, (sighs) what’s the word? Insidious? With their twin behavior? You gotta put them
in separate prisons, or you gotta kill
them on the spot. Or mark one of their faces, you know what I mean, with like a brand, you know? That just says like, “Twin.” (laughing) – It’s kind of, I wouldn’t say it’s
really working out, because it took a while
to go through courts. And- – But they get to split- – Now the kid’s nine years old. They are not splitting, that’s kind of the twist,
is they’re both paying- – Equal? They’re both paying
like the maximum? – Right, which is depressingly only $60 each, a month. – What?
– But apparently, that’s above what
you would expect for minimum wage, which is
what they make in Brazil. So she’s actually getting double what she would’ve gotten
from either one of them. If one of them just
said, “I’m the father” then they could’ve split it and they would’ve
been paying half. But instead they’re
paying double. – But what’s to stop
one of the twins from coming up and being
like, “Here’s your $60.” And then she goes to the
other twin and he’s like, “What do you mean? “I just gave it to you.” (laughing) You know what I mean? This could go on forever. You gotta brand their faces. You gotta brand their faces. And this kid’s nine years old? – Well now, yeah, the girl
is now nine years old. It took forever to
go through courts and all sorts of
different things. – Is there any visitation? – I don’t think
they’re too interested, it is kind of like
a sad reality. Did you have any
friends that were twins? Two of my best
friends were twins. – There were two sets of twins, the Nelson brothers and
the McBride brothers. – Shout out to the Veeteck’s, two of the best people
I’ve ever known, who weren’t identical,
but everyone thought they were identical
except for their friends or the people that
really knew them that could definitely
tell the difference. And that’s the type of
thing in high school that everyone talks about. It’s like, “Oh, Bob! “Why don’t you go
do this and that “and say you’re Jeff to a girl?” Everyone is always
pushing twins to go in this direction. – Twins are screwed up. I think we should go back to, you know back in the day,
if someone had twins, and they were identical, they would throw
them off a cliff. Very Game of Thrones style. You don’t see a lot of
twins on Game of Thrones. Of course, you know,
the vampire twins from The Matrix Reloaded. Those are two of the
worst people ever. Not a twin guy- – Not a twin guy. (laughs)
– The twins in my high school, the twins in my high school, I remember their parents
wouldn’t let them do things without each other. They’re like, “What
if something happens “to one of you? “You’d want the other
one to be there.” I think they had to go
to college together, too. – My friends went to college
together, The Veeteck’s. – If you’re identical twins, I assume you’re a
flat out rapist. – Please, you could
look at this from a- – Give me one example. – The Veeteck’s, they’re clean. – I’ll believe it when I see it. – You could look at this-
– It’s too easy. – In so many cases- – It’s too tempting. – In so many cases- – Absolute power
corrupts absolutely. – What’s that documentary? Three Brothers? – Three identical twin- uh, three identical strangers. – And there’s so many cases, and I’m thinking of
this with my friends who are totally different like totally different in terms of their personality,
the lives that they led, the types of people. You know, they date,
all that sort of stuff. You know, that happens
all the time with twins but you can look at
this story as like they’re in it to win it. They’ve stayed buddies
this whole time with this scheme. They’re very similar. They’re close. – Yeah but they’re still
making minimum wage in Brazil, which is not
at the height of success. I’ll tell you this right now, if I had a twin brother, I’d kill him. I wouldn’t risk the
temptation taking over, I would kill my twin brother. – Wouldn’t you, I feel like you’d be
attracted to him though. – Of course. Of course I would. Are you crazy? He’s my brother, I’m not blind. You know what I mean? – It could just drive
you crazy to have this other guy out there-
– It’s one of the reasons I’d have to kill him. You know what I mean? So I wouldn’t sleep
with my twin brother. – It would really
be an amazing thing- – I would never sleep
with my actual brother. – Yeah. – There’s a seven year age gap. But a twin brother,
nothing wrong with that. But I would have to kill him. I would have to kill him. (rock music plays)

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